we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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