I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
