if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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