hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
