I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize