Redeem this text for a blowjob
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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