I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
