getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
