So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
