I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
