what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
