They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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