Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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