There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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