I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize