i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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