batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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