I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When are your genitals available?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
