Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
