i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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