I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
