He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
