my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
