The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
