I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
