loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Randomize
