Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize