i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
