I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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