Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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