to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
PANTIES FOUND
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
