I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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