Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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