Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
