the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
