I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize