We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
