Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
