im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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