My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
