My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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