how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
where are my eyebrows?
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