The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
