Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
