On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
