College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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