if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Watching her eat just hurts me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
