Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
