just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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