I'm jealous of your bromance
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
