Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
