When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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