My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
