What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
