I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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