At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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