Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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